I tend to get so scared over such trivial things. Is it because it's a kick to my ego, something different from my own and other's expectations of me? or does it go deeper? A fear of losing or having too much power or control all to myself? Because I have had my stresses/fears and physical ailments change. WHOAH - get this - before that, I used to LOVE faking injuries. And now, I often get a hit of satisfaction when I get hurt. I don't know if these two things correlate, but maybe they do. When I was younger, along with now, I get this satisfaction when people look at me in a special way (which, I feel, is unhealthy!) But I always also have loved the parts in TV shows/movies when someone tells someone else who they really are. Like when Miley would tell someone that she's Hannah Montana, or when one of the girls from H2O told someone that they were a mermaid, or even when the girls were trapped by a scientist. I don't know why that kind of thing fascinates me, but it does. Being looked at as something special. And I think that I've brought a part of that to my own life; Maybe it correlates with the desire to be a singer/actress. I do love music and films, but this is the other side of it. Anyways, getting back to what I was talking bout before, I used to love getting injuries/pretending to be injured. I did it when I was preschool age, then when I was in kindergarden and limped on both ankles haha because I forgot which one was "injured," then in elementary school + middle school when I faked a broken leg + arm on April Fool's day. I loved the attention I received when I was injured. The correlation I'm unsure relates is my mind-body ailments. My first example of this is my knee injuries from skiing turning into chronic pain syndrome in 7th grade, in which there was no longer anything wrong with my knees, but the pain would flare up when I was stressing out. This was the first continuously + pretty intensely stressful period of my life: The year that, over the summer, I was bullied by Lindsey Jones + sort of Gennie, and the year that I moved schools w/ Hayl to BASIS. I had 8-9 classes here, some of them high school/college level information, and this was the first time I'd sit at home for long periods of time after school to work on my homework, the first time I got up to go to school so early to study + work on more homework (I think we'd leave around 5:30 or 6 am). I loved BASIS, the teachers, the passions of them, and lots of the material, but it was the first time I had been/felt so overcome with work to do. I remember one day, sitting and studying/doing homework in my room, and watching kids bike by + realizing how long it had been since I could do that after school. So, I think that this also was probably the first time that I felt trapped in a situation- and in a bad way. So, I ended up stressing out, and soon I was having knee pain that got pretty intense the more I was stressed out. We went to doctors, I think got X-Ray, MRI, and brain scan, and they couldn't find anything the matter physically. So, one doctor diagnosed me with a sort of chronic pain syndrome, which basically meant that I was still feeling pain from a previously healed knee injury. I remember the knee pain got so bad that for a few days, I brought crutches to school. A few kids laughed/looked at me oddly, since I was using them, yet walking simultaneously to keep some pressure off of them. So I think that might have been my first experience with a strong mind-body correlation. Next, when I was in high school, the physical ailment switched over to sweating; on the first 2 weeks of freshmen year, the bus AC didn't work, so naturally, we'd all be sweating like crazy. And I think that it triggered a self-consciousness in sweating. So, at the beginning of the year, I was having fun and meeting new people + making new friends, so that was the main focus, but I was still somewhat self conscious about being sweaty. But what happened later in the year was that I developed this fear of being sweaty. 'What if I get sweaty under my arms + people can see that? What if, in Mr. Barber's or in any class, someone goes to high-five me and my hands are super sweaty? What am I supposed to do?? After all of these worrisome thoughts, my hands (and feet I think?) started being continuously sweaty. Someone would
I think I have a fear of feeling trapped. Which is interesting, because I seem to have a fascination with it as well. But when I start to feel fearfully trapped, I close off. I might smile and pretend, but I'd feel bad inside; I might also just shut down and not be able to function normally. I just am thinking about getting away. And I think that when I go to live in new places, I go to point out all of the bad things - Maybe so I'll have enough of a reason to leave, to say what was bad about it, and let my ego off clean and say that it was not because of my fear of entrapment. I've noticed myself doing parts of this at New Life. I haven't fully been open or appreciated a ton of what this place has + that is helpful for me. This is a lot like what I wanted & what I have been looking for, so the face that I am searching my brain for reasons to leave- especially because it's coming slowly to the end of my time here - partially shows that I have been acting on my fear of feeling trapped with no way to leave.
Well, I really appreciate this insightfulness and my honesty in this journal entry. I think that this is a big part of my feelings of negativity, so I'm thankful that I pinpointed it and wrote it out. This is such a big + important part in my life currently and how I am deciding to live it. And when I think about the future, if I did not conquer/transform/understand my fear of feeling trapped, I don't think that I could feel satisfied with anything. So, I think this is a major part of what I will be starting to work with; this, partly coupled with my anxious + negative feelings around expectations I put on myself and that I feel other people are putting on me as well. These are two of the things that, if I can work with, understand, and transform them with compassion and loving-kindness, my world will so positively change + lovingly transform.
Thank you, Kacie, for this journal entry. I appreciate it so much! I appreciate you being open + available to understand your fears, thoughts, and anxieties, to transform this world that I live in, and then everyone else does also, to be truthful, compassionate, empowering, and present. :) <3
I <3 you, Kacie Ann Ouimet. <3
I am still deciding whether I am going to stay here for this final week.
Ok well I'll tell you soon-ish. ;D
<3 OH & THANK YOU Michael for the wonderful massage today. It was so beautiful. Ok, night. :)
Hi again :)
So... This doesn't correlate with the above story, but… I am thinking of leaving & beginning again/continuing my adventure within my soul and throughout Thailand. My one thing is that I'm feeling guilty for possibly leaving so abruptly and with such short notice. However, I am feeling ready. So maybe this entire day will give me some assurance in this still undecided decision. I think that I need, in life, to go w/ my instinct/intuition. And my intuition is seemingly telling me to go on Wednesday. And ultimately that's going with my gut, which is all that actually matters.
:) I love ya.
Okay. I am deciding whether I want (and am ready) to leave New Life early and move on to new things/a new life ;)
Today especially, I am feeling ready to leave & move on to new things. Plus, I am/just started my period today, so I think that I trust my intuition and instincts especially right now. I am feeling scared though; I am feeling like this is a hard choice to make. On one end, I stay at New Life for around 2 weeks more… I save money/don't spend any extra, I'll wake up around 5:40 - 6 Am -almost- every morning, do the typical routine: morning activity, silent breakfast, community meeting, working mediation - usually outside for around 2 hours- lunch and happy & fun conversation with people in this community, some chill/sleep.refresh/socialize time, afternoon working meditation/dinner prep/workshop, Time to relax and/or go to class like yoga or something, sometimes dinner prep, then community dinner, then optional activities, like the women's circle, Pema Chodron talk, etc. around 7:30. Then socialize in the dining hall / go to room + chill / bring comp. to dining hall and/or then go to sleep. Ugh. I felt stressful emotion writing down some of that schedule, like a frustration for too many activities or something like it. Oh- and the typical food choices I get: oatmeal, muesli, coco milk + SCRUMPTIOUS fruit for breakfast, cooked meal + salad for lunch, and a cooked meal + salad for dinner. And occasionally smoothies/coconuts from Mama's.
I think that one main thing I feel de-attracted from is the current social aspect @ New Life; my closest meaningful friends have gone away, the people here aren't seemingly wanting to fully heal, recover, + GROW + DREAM in the way that I am, which pushes me away - Mainly because I don't like that atmosphere - no motivation or dreams being worked towards beyond here, a lot of smoking which I was not expecting, and not a strong belief of themselves, their potential power, and the wonder of the universe + power of the present moment. There is no passion from many residents and people living here - and that's what I want. Oh, but partly, I do think that I am deciding right now that I want to leave earlier based on a fear of the unknown here, people getting to know me personally, and also possibly getting too trusting & comfortable - which often, I start feeling as if I need to leave, and that it is urgent. So I don't know yet, whether it's better for me to leave early, or if I want to believe that it is. I do know one main hint - I am volunteering & working more than I am exploring inner me. The focus here is more on living sustainably, functionally, and mindfully - which means a large piece of it is pitching in around this place, as well as socializing. Okay-- I feel fear again rising. I am going to meditate on the question + answer(s) to what my next step(s) will be. First, I want to write down a quote that Sjana posted & I totally agree with: "I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." - Robert A. Heinlein '(AND that my behaviors have associated consequences and rewards).'
Okay, Kacie. Again, I love you. :) And I hope to let you know/suggest----
ALSO: I was just thinking how much I appreciate Sofie-- She's leaving Tuesday, I really appreciate Lily and Thomas - they're leaving Monday. I also greatly appreciate Tom- he's leaving Friday + not returning before I leave. I also appreciate Marisha, the newer girl from Thailand, Karen, the girl from Belgium, Jeremy, etc… Yay! They're staying. And as I wrote down their names, I realized that it seems many of them/I have grown apart or aren't too close. I think that all this may be a sign to get going. OK. I'll talk to ya soon. Love ya, scardey cat. ;)
As social animals, I think that we often work for the approval, praise, and acceptance of other human beings. I believe that this tendency to "live for others" is so detrimental to the whole of society. Because, when we are all looking for someone to give us praise and/or acceptance, we fall into manipulations of other human beings that use this natural tendency to their advantage. I guess it raises some questions: why do/would we value the opinion of someone else over our own values and morals? Who are we trying to get appraisal from? Because if their values don't align with our own, what's the point, anyways? Living at New Life for these past couple of weeks, I've noticed that some people seem to be holding Julien up as some sort of king or wise noble; Yes, I appreciate and respect his decisions to work on himself, study Buddhism, and help form and manage this foundation, but I don't think that he's a god for doing that. I think that possibly, some people that have deeply recovered during their time at New Life can't believe that they could recover like that on their own, and maybe they sort of revere Julien for creating this for them. I don't know for sure if this is true, but it seems to be. I have definitely noticed many people holding Julien to a higher degree, which I don't like and strongly disagree with. For example, I was on dinner duty last night, and I decided to sign Ciara's goodbye card on the kitchen counter. Then, Karen came over and said something along the lines of: "Are you almost done? Could you finish it out there? Julien's cooking in the kitchen today." & later, she told me that when Julien is cooking in the kitchen, we try to stay out of it. Which I don't like because when one person is 'raised up,' it pushes other people down lower on the 'rank.' Like how I was signing a card for someone deeply connected to the foundation, but it was belittled in the "social status" of Julien. Also - I don't have any problems with Julien individually; I don't think he understands or notices this kind of thing happening; and if he does, I don't think he enjoys it. If anything, I think that this behavior might have him feeling alienated-- in his own home. I hope that some individuals here learn not to revere people that seem more/are more spiritually wise than themselves. And this goes for anything: movie directors, famous sports players, singers, actors, well-known figures such as Ellen Degeneres, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Hawking, The Kardashians, etc. When we revere others, we lose a sense of respect and connection with our own wise selves. I think the best way to live is to appreciate and respect others fully; just as much as we equally appreciate + love ourselves.
So, today, Ivanna and Lu are leaving and going to Rome. And I got the most sweet gift hanging from my door handle this morning! It's an ornament hanging thing - haha - with a big beautiful blue elephant at the top and then dangling balls. But the note that Ivanna wrote was especially what got me. It says, "KACIE: I am still so surprised with the magnificent person that I discovered in you. You are kind, modest, smart, soldiery. You know exactly who you are without external influences. You have love, you are love, and you deliver love. I am grateful with the life to let me meet you. Thanks! Keep being this way. The world needs more people like you. 15/7/15 IVANA" WOW. I actually cried when I read it. The fact that someone I respect + value said that to me means so much. <3 And now I'm going to figure out what to say to Lu + Ivana in this morning's community meeting… Ivana- Thank you for being so warm-hearted, loving, and funny! I won't ever forget that card game we played where you couldn't stop laughing. I know that New Life holds a special place in your heart for you, and I really hope that you come back to it someday soon. I hope that we stay in touch and I wish you the best journey in life.
Lu- You are so funny, kind, and such a great friend. Thank you for all of your smiles and for the fun times and great conversations we have shared. Thank you for being you! I hope that the rest of your travels are so much fun, and I hope we will stay in touch. I wish you the best in life! Thanks for being such a good friend.
Alright. going to look over these and then go to the meeting.
Good morning. I love you! <3
9:20 (?) P.M.
I really appreciate something that Marisha said to me after tonight's women's circle; we talked about hosting classes & sharing with the community, and I told her my concerns about coming off as if I am better or more special than anyone else. And she said that she struggles with the same feelings, and suggests just going for it. She told me I am kind and have great and wise words to say, or along those lines. And then she said, you know the people that talk and people seem to turn and listen and keep wanting to hear more when they're done? I see that in you." Wrong wording and all but it was something like this. And that really means so much to me. I really honestly appreciate Marisha and her willingness to open up, learn new things, and work on honesty -- as well as bringing people together + uniting. She is special, and I think she's special because she is holding + realizing her potential,
This life is miraculous,
But it's hard to explain
One day I'm dancing in the sunshine,
Then I'm sheltered from the rain.
This life feels complex, but sometimes so simple.
It's strange that something so large, so vast,
Might also make sense, right in an instant.
Life can feel overwhelming; underwhelming, also.
The rain may wash away, And the clarity may come.
And then, it's gone, in an instant, leaving us cold and wet.
Life can feel confusing - especially when I try
to understand it. I can understand life
when I let go. But try means resisting,
and everything is lost when I begin 'trying.'
letting go does wonders; yet it still seems so hard to
do sometimes. I've been holding on to some
things so tightly, and for so long, that I seem
to not know my own existence without them.
I know that it's bad, and that it's making life harder for me. And yet, I mindlessly ponder: What would I be without these destructive tendencies? And I don't let myself see the real answer.
I think it's because I know what I'll be : at ease, powerful beyond measure. connecting and trusting other beings. Being fully what/who I truly hope to be. And I think that it may be scaring me.
:) <3 Kacie
So today/ this week has a lot of change, growth, and freshness! Carol Anne, my friend here, as well as next-door neighbor, is leaving New Life tomorrow :(, Lu & Ivanna are leaving + continuing their travels to Rome on Wednesday :)(, and Silvia is coming back for another month!! Starting tomorrow :) Today, I am going to TRE in about 15 minutes. From my experience so far, I find it a really releasing + good feeling. I felt more open, aware, and grounded than I can remember feeling in so long; So I am continuing my practice with TRE, without any expectations, this evening. OH! A big reason I want to write today is to also figure out what to plan on saying to Carole-Anne in tomorrow's morning activity. I think I'll come back to that later this evening, because it's about time for TRE. :D :)
<3 Kacie :)
Why am I here?
- To have a more profound (?) sense of self; to discover "me" more
- To have a deeper/clearer knowledge of life / an idea of what to do after New Life & Thailand
-An opened spark of creativity, keeping that flame always alive
-Greater connection with other human beings
-Understand & working through any anxieties/ fears, seeing the root of it + loving it
-Connect w/ like-minded beings -Get rid of the ego
-Find my true sense of purpose -Meditate
-Live in the now. -Love -BTCIWTS (Be The Change I Want to See) -Love again
-Open up myself, to myself + others -Maitri (?) loving-kindness to me + others. :)
-Make the living reality of my greatest dreams
-Clarity of what I want to do, or, whether it's better to not decide yet.
-A path to follow (?) -(Small one w/ little guidelines) of what I want to accomplish now.
I need to get back to remembering why I came here. I didn't come to worry, but I came to somehow work through, or let go, of my fears. I did not come here to wait for the day I leave; rather to have an awesome time looking deeply w/in myself, and connecting with others.
I came for myself. In the most loving way possible.
I L<3Ve you, Kacie. Probably more than you'll ever know.
Be honest & open. Love <3, Kacie
I think a lot of my worries, stresses, and concerns center around a fear of other people/another person's expectations of me. When I meet new people, I am usually sure to be positive, fun, and welcoming. Because, then, I think that I start to put the same expectations onto myself; & I say that I should always be positive, upbeat, + fun/friendly, or I'm not being 'myself,' and other people will see that. I think I tend to set an example with my life that I hope that others will see, which tends to lead to my ego, worrying about not holding up my side. I have been getting scared for people to know the full real me; I don't think out of fear that they won't accept me, but more because I am not accepting me fully. And if I can't truly accept myself, then how am I supposed to let anyone else in?
Okay, this was a good writing session. :)
Bye-bye. Love, you, Kacie!
I came here to Thailand & to New Life to find/refind my purpose(s) and my passions in life. So, now that I have been here for around 11 days, I am starting the thinking: what do I want in this life? What do I want to do, to accomplish? Is it movies/music? The craziest thing in my opinion happened today. I got an email from Regina at the Meisner Technique Institute, replying to an email I had written back in February, asking if I am interested in joining the fall session, which will begin on Monday, Sept. 14th + will meet on Mon. + Wed. from 7-10 Pm. She says that the classes fill very quickly so she wanted to reach out to give me the opportunity to schedule an interview with Jim Jarrett before the class fills, since I previously expressed an interest in possible enrollment - back in February. Ahhh! Is this the Universe sending me a message suggesting what to do after Thailand? And I was just talking about the Meisner Technique Studio to people the other day as we were eating, which makes it feel much less accidental, more like a message or something. Wow, this is huge. I wasn't considering going to SF and/or studying with the Meisner Studio. This is pretty amazing, though, and the opportunity- I am really thankful for, that she reached out to me. I think the Meisner Technique embodies a lot of the same values that I want in life, and that New Life values, so in the beliefs-sense, I think they're similar. I don't know what to do. But not in a bad way. It is very exciting thinking about what I'll be doing after I leave New Life/Thailand, because that's when my awakened U.S. journey will be starting. This is a journey. I feel so incredibly proud and thankful of myself for sticking with it and going through it. Okay, I'm going to let these thoughts go. I think that I'm going to read more of When Things Fall Apart; "Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chödrön, lay down, maybe meditate, and let go of the things that might be scaring me. I am so incredibly happy.
Oh, and I may do some life coaching soon at New Life. I think it may be a smart idea because I really just want someone new + wise to talk through this with and possibly get some good advice, or at least have someone to talk to.
Alrighty. I'll write probably soon. I love you.
<3 Kacie hmm… acacia? ;)
---Marisha called me Acacia today, and I actually really liked it. It sounded like me. Okay, I love you.
I love you. <3 <3 Kacia ;)
I don't feel quite done writing hahaha. I think I am still thinking about what to do, especially after Thailand. I hope that these weeks will help. Ahh okay I'm stressing myself out now. I think this happens every time I think too intensely about what to do with my life. It gets to the point where I'm not excited or dreaming - I'm dwelling on unknown space.
Okay, I feel done now.
Love, Kacie /Acacia <3