Do you ever just feel so consumed with life and its endlessly sprouting possibilities? I do.
That's been me this past week or so especially, although it's also been me ever since I returned from my trip within Thailand.
I just feel so confused by how each little thing can affect the outcome of my life; every change, switch, and different move can make a different outcome. And that stresses me out lately. Because I feel so lost and consumed in that pit, the black hole-like realm of possibility. I feel afraid to move. Some mornings I stay in bed for at least an hour before I get up because I feel hesitant to make a move that will start the day differently.
I know that the most important goal of life is to have a positive attitude which will then positively affect every piece of our life in the best way possible; that life reflects what we have going on inside. SO when I am feeling hesitant, unsure of myself, and constantly hovering over ideas but not taking the necessary steps, it means that my life will reflect back possibilities that all seem to feel out of reach, out of touch, by just a little; they are just a bit too abstract to feel real, and also too real to feel imaginary. It's a strange midway point between seeing what I dream of reality, but also feeling stuck and not reaching out to grab those dreams and MAKE them my reality. Still feeling, "is this the right thing?" and then never really actually deciding.
It's funny because I have so many dreams; I have so many ideas that I want to push forward and involve myself with; I feel empowered and most myself when I am putting ideas into motion and helping to pursue these passions and goals. But right now, where I stop is with the unclear feeling of what exactly I should be spending my time and energy delving into.
I know for a fact that the Meisner Technique is one thing that I still feel so involved with and feel that it's having an important part of my life right now.
But other than this, where am I stepping up and actually doing what I want? Am I following my path of my dreams, am I listening to my body when it tells me what it wants? I know that when I think of certain ideas and paths, my body will react a certain way; either constricting and possibly pain in my knees or throat, OR with a fully freeing feeling, emotions, excitement, passion, maybe tears in my eyes… And I clearly know which choices, from this, are right for me.
But then the fear comes in saying: what if not now? Like, what if this is meant for me, but I'm not fully prepared? What if it's meant to be delved into later in my life, but not right now?
Then, it is my duty to find what it is that feels best that also feels right now. because I know that it is out there. I've just got to ask myself deep within what it is that I truly want right now, and what step(s) to take in getting this. Because if I feel it in my body as right, then I am getting a response from my own soul that this will feel good to do in life.
Okay, and so now I'll meditate for a bit to get a sense of myself again as I figure out and make a decision for what to do now / in the near future.
I luv you.
& compassion. that's my newest goal in life, to first show compassion to myself and then consequently to others. To be free from indifference and instead choosing to see things clearly and opening my mind and heart to the real things happening.
It's so important for me to be open and authentic and honest, and also is one of the most scary things, I feel, to do.
But that's the value of consistency and what I choose to value and focus on...
And right now, I am feeling a change within me and starting tofeelroght tow rite anfsjarecompassipj throughout ikmyowkwaujusnharingmy pekexperirncdsandhppefuullyiltiatelythenezperiexe of all human souls...
^^ HAHAHAH okay I am leaving that because it just goes to show how tired I I feel and that I didn't even notice what I typed hahah. Okay good night.
I <3 you.
great day of exploring today. And then I waited too long to write this blog post and I am falling fast to sleep. Hahaha. <3 Good night.
I love you. :)
there is so much beauty in life. how and why is it that we are so cluttered with information in our heads that we so often miss the life and extraordinary beauty right in front of us, in each and every moment?
i am trying more and more to take in this present moment. I have felt a fear to do so, but am finally letting myself. And it's felt amazing. To sit, and accept and let it all in. i feel like i can finally breathe again. and see life more clearly.
and see the amazing fact is that life doesn't have to be hard. not to say that there aren't difficulties and challenges, but that I don't have to try and make things difficult for myself. A question came up in my head today, and it really got me thinking about my life and how I choose to live it:
Am I focusing on the solution, or the problems?
Simple question. But how it's answered reflects back how my life is going. Because if I am focusing on the problems, that's all that I will ever attend to and the wall will always be there between where I want to get to and where I am right now.
But if, instead, I am focusing on the solution, this is what I will see. I will work towards what I want and succeed. Because my energy is going towards feeding the solution, and not the "buts" and "what ifs" which would halt me in my progress. Big difference, and signifies which direction my dreams take. And as soon as I switch my mindset, the outcome will change. So making sure that I am aware of my thoughts is one of the most critical pieces of life and doing my dreams.
Okay, I love you and good night.
today is Thursday; tonight's class at the Meisner Studio seemed to form a theme of truth. And that we can always grow, always become more, and the process of learning never ends; we can come so far from where we have been, and we always have more to go, if we choose to take it on with a healthy mindset.
How important it is to have a healthy attitude towards life. How critical it is that we take care of our bodies, minds, and souls so that we can be living in the best way possible. How important it is to stay consistent with practice, and with whatever we want to learn, the things we strive to do with our lives. How important it is to continue working on these things with a consistent dedication, and love to that.
So this is really what I'm learning through class: the opportunity to grow when we are truthful and open. And to trust ourselves and let out our inner roar. :)
Let her out!
1. being able to surround myself with people who care and love.
2. the wind, rain, stormy weather today
3. taking my little cousin out on a little ice cream date :)
4. funny things, being silly with her
5. being able to drive to places far away
6. choosing love.
this question has been circulating in my head for a long time. I want to spend my life doing all that I possibly can and being all that I can be.
But where do I draw the line in the sand of obsessing on this? I know that I have been enveloped by this idea of "right way" lately, always wanting to do and choose what's right and best, my head hurts though because I end up getting consumed by the thought of "what if I don't do the right thing?" And the fear of the amazing things that won't end up lining up correctly if I don't take the right steps. Worrying that my whole life path will fall apart if I don't end up long the right thing at the right time. No this leads to me never feeling settled and always searching for what's best. And never really living in the moment because I am always thinking about and planning what's next. What an exhausting way to live. And I chose this...
The irony being that what is really truly best for me is to actually connect with this present moment. For me to be right here and right now. <3
Falling asleep. Good night.
My hair is still showered in sand from going all the way underwater in the freezing cold Santa Cruz beach/ocean today. I'm so glad I swam all the way in. The temperature was so uncomfortable at first but I stayed in (the second or third time haha) and MY HEART IS HAPPY because I did. To submerge in the ocean- nothing quite like it.
Gnight. I <3 you.
i think change is a beautiful, remarkable thing. It stretches us and helps us grow in ways that we would not probably grow otherwise. change gets us out of our preconceived ideas of life and our zones of comfort. It wobbles the ground underneath our feet until we are balancing and finally look around to see our surroundings. It helps us stay aware of our lives.
I have had a lot of change within this past year especially of my own life. I've had a job at a frozen yogurt shop, quit that job, moved houses to my aunt's in the Bay Area, moved back home, stated again at the frozen yogurt shop, went on a solo trip to Thailand, changed places and people there a few times- always back on the road on my "own," then back to the US and home, then to my aunt's house again, then to San Francisco, and now, back at my aunt's house for about 3 weeks... And it's become increasingly clear to me how important persistence is through everything; the persistence to keep doing a daily meditation practice, yoga daily (not that I've been keeping up with either of these...), and the importance of staying persistence with my class and giving it my best, 100%. Recently, I've found a to-do list after having a conversation with the universe when I asked what I should do now to get to where I want to be... And two of the main things said were writing a blog post daily & kundalini mediation/yoga. And staying committed to those things in any and every situation has helped me. And has also encouraged that commitment in me to come out in other areas of my life, such as a commitment that's much stronger and more valuable with my Meisner class.
And through persistence, change, in the best light, will happen and is happening right now. It might be too small to see now-but a stack of papers is made by layering one thin piece of paper at a time..
Change can happen quickly, or it can happen slowly over time. Staying commited and persistent always is what keeps us on the right path and will guarantee a change in life.
So. Tired. Want to write more but falling asleep. I <3 you.
Good night. Zzzzzz
now is the time to open up my heart, my soul, my comfort, and my pride... 100% transparency... And coming back to me. Loving myself completely as I am. And in turn loving everyone else completely as they are.
Letting go of any ideas I have or expectations I have been holding onto of myself. Time to turn the tables and let go of what's not helping me or inspiring me... Time to fully let go. And learn from that. And live completely.
:) good night...
okay, so wow… I almost didn't write anything for today!! I got so caught up with things.
Today, I packed up all of my stuff from San Francisco and moved over to my aunt's house on the other side of the Bay Bridge… I'll be living here most likely for the next 3 weeks.
This is another change that I am looking forward to and excited for- and also a bit apprehensive and unsure about. I have mixed feelings because, on one end, I have so many amazing projects and goals in life right now that I am actively pursuing… My acting classes with the Meisner Technique, a film project with a spiritual teacher/awaken-er hahah, another possible project with another awesome spiritual teacher/awaken-er, and also the space and time to take the opportunity to eat healthy, exercise and get outside regularly, and also be around family and loved ones. :)
On the other side, I am feeling nervous because I fear going back into my head, back into old routines and harmful patterns and ways of living… I don't know how to get around that.
But I will continuously practice all of the things that I know are good for me, and I know that these will continue shaping me, even when I feel nervous / unsure. At least I will continue building up a stronger and more healthy lifestyle. And I am so excited for the projects that are soon to begin. And to have a full kitchen to be using to prep food and a full house to live in. :) It's great in San Francisco, yet still feels so separate. Which I love- my room, bathroom, and fridge/microwave being downstairs and having that beneficial space- but also distances me from the family that I live with, and it's strange for me wanting to use the blender or kitchen since that means walking up the stairs outside. It just doesn't feel whole- it feels in parts. Which is why I feel that this time back at my aunt's will feel more wholesome. Less separateness and distance, but also more togetherness (in a good way) and more flexibility with what I do with my days. :)
I really want to use these three weeks to my best. I want to grow a healthy diet and lifestyle, and really see what I can do and how I can grow when I set myself free to explore and create. I want to just let go and let it be and see where life takes me. And have fun while doing so. :) I'll set myself free.
And what a perfect day/weekend to start this on: Valentine's! As my goal during my time here is to love myself and practice love at all times, as I said in yesterday's post. :) So we'll see how it goes.
Good night. i love you.