I've been realizing that I have felt a fear of getting close to people, especially lately - these past few years, and it grows more and more when I continue to allow it to lead the flow of my life.
I have felt afraid that people will not understand my life and my own challenges through it, and because of that I will hide the parts of myself that I don't think others can handle.
But, because of this, I've created some sort of ego that fears authentic and true connection with other human beings. I feel like a part of me is always hiding, and that they never really know or love the real me, because I've been still hiding somewhat.
This, however, does not help me nor the other people that I connect with. When I act with that fear in mind, I have put up a wall between us; I have separated myself from others for the fear that connection won't be possible if I remove the wall between us.
I think that this ends up translating in my mind in a way that says that no one else is "good enough" to hear my entire story. Which in turn is also the idea that I am somehow separate or "better" or "different" from every single other person. I don't believe either of these things to be true, and yet I am living my life from that "reality."
As we let ourselves fully come out of our shells, however, it encourages other people to do the same; and we can realize how together and connected that we truly are through this beautiful thing called life.
I don't know exactly where this post is going; It's late at night now and I've had another day where I stumble walking home and could trip and fall like a drunkard because I am that tired. I've had a lot of those days recently. I don't know if it's because of my schedule, or because of the pressure that I put on myself to perform amazingly every day… A think a combination of those two things. And a stress and impatience of what's to come.
But that's a topic for another day… So as my eyes close and I fall asleep at my desk, I will leave this post with a lesson learned today: there is beauty in patience, as well as unraveling and truly listening to what others have to say; there is so much to learn and hear from others if we only listen. It's remarkable to truly take in somebody else and hear them completely. Leads to a mutual understanding and newly discovered connection.
Okay. Good night. <3
<3 Tee-cee :)