This is crazy. The place I've called home for the past few months - a really special place that has held me and softly listened to me and whispered truths inside my bones - is also the place that I am heading out of today.
It feels like such a sweet place, that there is no "right time" to leave. I feel that its energy will move on and live beneath me for some time, although I have some other things to attend to now, so I hope that its spirit can be like the wind beneath my wings in helping me fly.
So, what's now?
I am feeling ready to start something new.
This means continuing on and finishing some projects I still have going on here in the Bay Area... Yet also starting a new page, in a sense.
I'm first going to Virginia with my younger sister, to visit my grandparents at their new cabin in I think somewhat-wilderness... Or at least a beautiful change of pace and scenery. I'm so excited! I hope that I can get all of my work done so I can feel just like new, and like a kid again when I'm there. Not thinking about any responsibilities or cares, just enjoying the breeze of life as it flows and wraps around caressingly.
I'll be turning 21 while I'm there, so my grandma wants to take me out with the family for a day of wine tasting through the green and hilly orchards... Then, I don't know. It's going to be a fun trip though, I do feel! Lots of family, fun, and I feel reconnection and sweet moments with my grandma Sharon especially... and enjoying living and relaxing with my family.
Then, I get back to my family home in Davis, for a short one or two days... Most likely to gear up, get any loose ends finished, get my laundry done and repacked, and then heading off to the next journey, which is....
Road tripping down to Los Angeles with my great friend!
This will be a time of learning, fun, adventure, discovery... And excitement and sharing it with someone who enjoys it as well! Probably stopping along the way in San Francisco, maybe Santa Cruz, San Luis Obispo Santa Barbara... and then maybe Santa Monica/Venice, and Los Angeles for her last day before departure to a new place from LAX. Then I'll have the car and my adventuresome time to myself... And I'm feeling I may turn to the red rocks, wherever those are... Sedona, maybe. Or Mojave desert. Then maybe come through flagstaff to see my best friend there, then back to my old "home" in Arizona and my amazing uncle who lives in that same town, and then on through possibly to see my Great Aunt, then on through California, onto maybe the beach to visit one of my best friends as she settles into her home there, and then back up to my family home yet again....
Then taking a couple of weeks to really renew, revive, sort through things of the past, get rid of what I don't want/need, maybe sell some of my old stuff to someone else who may enjoy it, and "move out" essentially more than I did before from my room. Then a rafting trip late August with my good friends from time's past, then onto something else... Who knows what. I'll hopefully decide by then whether to continue my car insurance, and what's next in some sense. I'll help my mom and sister move into their new place before I head out, and then say goodbye to my dad as well, who I hopefully will have a closer relationship with around this time, through my settling and sorting out old times and opening more to my emotions, circling back to what needs to be said and/or dealt with/through.
Who knows what's next. I do feel Costa Rica calling somewhere inside of me. Each time I wonder what's next I do feel San Francisco for some reason -- the thing keeping me inside and back from that is this wonder if the only reason(s) I want to explore the city are more ego-based rather than purely based in love... Getting creative and exploring my potential, getting fit and working on my body, getting a relationship possibly as well as good circle of friends, maybe getting involved with more community feelings, possibly through yoga or elsewhere. And then from there maybe splitting off to go and travel the world some more.
Maybe my biggest fear in San Francisco is settling back somewhere that is not "out there" but is rather closer to home. Like some feeling in my mind that I have to travel "long and far" and that my journey is farther from where I currently reside. Maybe it will take tenacity to get past some stubbornness in myself, and see that home is wherever I bring myself. Home is also wherever supports and helps my heart shine brightly. Really I would like to be where people feel one in the same in that I feel supported, and a "family" sense of having others around that feel the same way and want the same things as I do: love for ourselves, each other, this planet, everything..; creativity and the will and drive to use it and explore, openly and freely; feeling of equality and no authority or trying to prove or impress upon others - rather a feeling of open equality and acceptance wherever we are in life; having a home within myself, and others that know this and support the same way of living within themselves; the openness for creativity to flow within me and allowing it full potential to flourish and stem out of me, no inhibitions, only accessing and allowing it to be.
I think this time in the city could help me accept my creative abilities and embrace them into life.
And then from there I can use these newly established things in the larger picture of the world, maybe setting off to India, maybe elsewhere.
I just want to make sure that whatever I do is rooted only in love. And that if I have any biases or inhibitions, that I address and move through them now, so that I can continue as aligned with my body, my soul, and everything as I can.
I hope all the love for myself and all. I hope to continue to know, experience and feel that we are all the same, in the best way possible.
I love you and want the best for you. Time to get going. :) and get a move on!
I'm struck again with the fact that we can really create a beautiful life for ourselves and all others if we live it in love.
Wow. It's crazy how quickly that my mood and philosophy towards life can change when I shift to a place of love.
Makes me see each and every person, place and thing as an opportunity to invest in ourselves and the love that we can grow.
I've been growing just within these past few days as I have been on a raw foods diet --eating only plants that are as nature has provided them (not cooked)-- and I've also began a compassion / metta meditation practice every day.
and that has been really where the magic has happened and began to transform my life from the inside out.
I think about first, myself. I see a glowing light grow inside of my chest. And then I see it grow until it's all around me, glowing opaque light of love and compassion. I see myself accept life and feel the full freedom, and be happy. and then I pass that light on... I see it grow in a loved one, like my mom. And I see it glow and open up inside of her heart until that love encompasses her body and outwards, until she is living in love and it grows to the people around her as well.
Then I see it in a dear friend, a loved one as well. I feel their heart opening up and feel them hearing their call to the oneness of the universe. Then I feel the same for someone I'm somewhat close to, like the guy I work with casually but don't feel a deep connection with. I see that same light open up inside of him and expand to encompass his entire body and beyond, continuing to grow.
Then I feel this for someone I barely know, like the person I see often on the street corner. I feel that love for them in just the same way.
And then I feel it for someone I may be having trouble with... Possibly someone I've been resisting having thoughts or feelings towards. It could be a tense relationship, damaged times that I don't want to face, or hard times that have just began. And I look into that person's heart, and feel love for them as well. And let that love grow and expand until it's released freedom and love from their bodies and continues to glow and enlarge around all of their relationships.
Eventually I'd like to continue this practice to encompass the world, then beyond, and eventually every thing, everyone, and all. But for now I'm starting more simply.
And let me tell you -- this small practice is beyond amazing. It only takes about 15 minutes, and I have resisted it so much. Feeling compassion, forgiveness, and love can feel like one of the most impossible thing to do sometimes. But when I lean into that resistance, I make room for the beauty of life that lies beyond our ceilings of comfort.
And just that small practice in the morning can completely, totally, utterly transform my day.
And help me to realize, throughout the day, that I want to choose the option that coincides with love. I want to give others love, I want to live aligned with love, and I want to spread and share love!
This might sound a bit cheesy or foolish/utopian to be so focused on "love."
However this is a feeling that can expand, spread, and heal generations.
We need more love right now, and acceptance.
I hope that I can continue this practice so that I can one day soon look into the eyes of those that are suffering, those that are inflicting pain, and those that are struggling and open up that love within myself for them - therefore opening up the same love within themselves.
It's a beautiful thing - and we all have this powerful beauty within us.
We need to accept the things that are around us. We need to feel the closeness of our human race, and the species of this planet.
We need to surround ourselves with love and allow it to flourish and spread - and then life will truly become beyond our wildest imagination could ever dream it to be.
But it starts with love. and it starts with you. and me. us.
Let's do this.
Just sat down to write something, although what I'm not quite sure yet.
Maybe I'll talk about my love, and how I've decided to finally accept it... At least that's what I've told myself that I've done. Then I look a bit deeper and wonder if that's really what I have done, or just what I've told myself... I still feel... empty. Numbed. Like I'm holding off and holding back from the deepness in side of me.
Why? Because I don't want to live with the knowledge of my power.
Why? Seems strange, don't it.
Because then I could never go back to pretending to be small.
And why is that a bad thing?
Because then maybe I'd depend on nobody.
And again, why is that a bad thing?
Because ultimately I may feel so alone. I may feel like I am the only one who really knows me, and in that the only one who really loves me.
I will feel like I have no one. Because if I don't need anyone, then why would I love them/be with them?
Because I will uncover myself absolutely. No hiding places, all of the truths unveiled...
What will I become. That's what is the hardest part, the most difficult piece of the problem- Because I don't know what will happen when I look for the truths inside of me.
More scary than going to deserted lands, mysterious places, and dark corners is the path that lies within the truth in my own soul. Our ideas shape our reality... And by delving beyond my ideas... Well, then, what becomes of my reality? What will I be able to hold on to?
I would be free-falling. Spinning incessantly. And then, be swiftly plucked up by the air... And I may float. I may swing. And I may soon find that I can fly.
Freedom with the wind that carries me, because only when I let go of my fears can I soar above it all. Only when I let go can I allow the wind to carry me, streaming along to the serene and wonderful rhythm of life and love....
Drop the things holding me down and find the truth that I am meant to rise to...
Let myself fly. For my own love for me... And to help others see that they can fly as well, and just as high. And for them to help others as well...
It all starts in our own beliefs and decisions.
And I chose to let go and let love.... As hard as it may feel.
I powerfully believe that I can, and I know that you can too.
I <3 you.
I am hurting. And I don't know what exactly it is...
Could it be because of the terror that social media and news has rippled across the globe like a wildfire, the sadness from the shootings, police brutality, bombings, and police killings?
Could it be that I see the refugee crisis happening and yet can just scroll right past with my fingertips sliding across my news feed, as if it doesn't exist for more than a fleeting second in my consciousness?
Could it be for the loved one I feel at a loss for and struggle to remain connected to? Could it be that love that I can imagine happening, but seeing that my life is so far away from that point right now? Could it be wanting something that isn't here right now..?
I struggle with a lot, and I have been for a while. I've been struggling to stay present, to stay in reality, and to open up my heart.
I have been easing the pain by distracting myself: food, social media, honestly I've been counting in my head on a subconscious level since probably the beginning of this year, in January. The past few months have gotten more consistent and constant... (77.. 78.. 79.. 80..) and it just goes on and on...
Why? Because I have been at a loss. I don't know what my reaction to these events will be if I truly allow myself to let all of this in. Will I be able to take it? What can I do? Once I know what has happened and truly feel it all, this means that I need to keep moving. And what if I am not ready for that yet? What if I can't get up off of the ground and start something new for myself? What if I realize how low down that I am and can't get back up?
Then at least I'll know the truth, I guess. And that ground is a firm foundation to start growing up from... Slowly, but surely... Vulnerably, and steadily... Layer by layer... Piece by piece.
It takes choosing to take a step off of the imaginary throne that I've been settling my life on. It takes choosing to accept my past, learn what I can from those experiences, and once I'm ready, to move on.
It takes appreciating what I've been through and understanding that it's helping me become what I am today-- and what I will be later down the line.
It takes the courage to accept my pain, accept the "downfall," and see that falling is a good thing when I help myself to see the solid ground that I stand on- rather than the cloudy haze that I used to pretend was the ground.
Is this making any sense?
I love you. It's time to let down the guards that I've been caging myself in with for some time. I feel that the time is starting to be right to show this life who I really am, and what I am capable of. For so long I've been afraid to stand up for myself and show my true colors, feeling like people wouldn't be ready to feel the real me...
My intuition tells me to start peeling off the layers of my imaginary self to reveal the magic that is inside... Which I fear.
It's a scary thing to reveal what's on the inside. I've sheltered it for so long. It feels so crazy to think that I may actually show people the full me. Isn't it a strange thing to say that I haven't been telling people who I truly am already?
It's not like I have some big secret to hide. But I do feel like I've been not completely honest with who I am and how I like to live... The being that is inside of me.
Which, I'm sure once I open up, will just generate more love, compassion, empathy, strength, and all of the things that I want to be within myself and that I want to ripple out and affect others with in life.
So. With that being said... It's time to show the people the real me.
And maybe it's time for you to do the same.
I <3 you.
I feel amazed at the knowledge that Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow… This year, it feels like it has come around the corner so fast!!
So, this leaves me with feeling the reminder of being thankful… And that I have been lacking in gratitude lately. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for… And I have, admittedly and regretfully, been passing it all by and still focusing on the bad things I have created in my head….
So, this is the wake-up call, opportunity, and reminder of being THANKFUL for so so sos so so sos sosoososososoo many things.
-I am alive.
This tripped me out thinking about last night. I was thinking, wow, I get to sense this world. I get to be alive. I get to use my eyes and SEE this thing called life, I get to reach out my hand to hold another's, my lips to kiss and feel the tender touch of a lover, I get to breathe sweet life into my nose every second, and exhale thoughts, worries, and help to relax within. I get to feel the bitter cold of the winter wind, and I get to look out to see the glittering lights of the city with my eyes. This is all incredible. And as long as I am alive, this incredible gift to experience life will be forever with me. So thankful for this.
-I have ones that love me and that I can love back
I can work on expressing this love and show those that mean a lot to me, just how much that they mean to me.
I have felt fear when I think about appreciate someone fully, maybe because I feel that something will happen to make them leave once I do. Or that they won't accept me fully as I am? I don't know. I have a fear that if I let things go good, they will right away go downhill. I think maybe this is a common fear.
Regardless, I don't want to live my life feeling concealed and in hiding based out of fear: especially when what I feel I am hiding from is love.
So, I love. And I am thankful, now. Today.
Many times, those who have the most give the least.
Many times, those who have the least give the most. Why is this so?
I think that's the position that I'm in right now. I have limitless journeys that I can take, endless opportunities, and all the time I could possibly have to do this.
I am pretty healthy (other than the part of recovering from mono) and I have all the resources to set foot. The millions of doors of opportunity are in front of me, and I'm cowering in the middle of the room.
Before now, I always had something holding me back.