I am hurting. And I don't know what exactly it is...
Could it be because of the terror that social media and news has rippled across the globe like a wildfire, the sadness from the shootings, police brutality, bombings, and police killings?
Could it be that I see the refugee crisis happening and yet can just scroll right past with my fingertips sliding across my news feed, as if it doesn't exist for more than a fleeting second in my consciousness?
Could it be for the loved one I feel at a loss for and struggle to remain connected to? Could it be that love that I can imagine happening, but seeing that my life is so far away from that point right now? Could it be wanting something that isn't here right now..?
I struggle with a lot, and I have been for a while. I've been struggling to stay present, to stay in reality, and to open up my heart.
I have been easing the pain by distracting myself: food, social media, honestly I've been counting in my head on a subconscious level since probably the beginning of this year, in January. The past few months have gotten more consistent and constant... (77.. 78.. 79.. 80..) and it just goes on and on...
Why? Because I have been at a loss. I don't know what my reaction to these events will be if I truly allow myself to let all of this in. Will I be able to take it? What can I do? Once I know what has happened and truly feel it all, this means that I need to keep moving. And what if I am not ready for that yet? What if I can't get up off of the ground and start something new for myself? What if I realize how low down that I am and can't get back up?
Then at least I'll know the truth, I guess. And that ground is a firm foundation to start growing up from... Slowly, but surely... Vulnerably, and steadily... Layer by layer... Piece by piece.
It takes choosing to take a step off of the imaginary throne that I've been settling my life on. It takes choosing to accept my past, learn what I can from those experiences, and once I'm ready, to move on.
It takes appreciating what I've been through and understanding that it's helping me become what I am today-- and what I will be later down the line.
It takes the courage to accept my pain, accept the "downfall," and see that falling is a good thing when I help myself to see the solid ground that I stand on- rather than the cloudy haze that I used to pretend was the ground.
Is this making any sense?
I love you. It's time to let down the guards that I've been caging myself in with for some time. I feel that the time is starting to be right to show this life who I really am, and what I am capable of. For so long I've been afraid to stand up for myself and show my true colors, feeling like people wouldn't be ready to feel the real me...
My intuition tells me to start peeling off the layers of my imaginary self to reveal the magic that is inside... Which I fear.
It's a scary thing to reveal what's on the inside. I've sheltered it for so long. It feels so crazy to think that I may actually show people the full me. Isn't it a strange thing to say that I haven't been telling people who I truly am already?
It's not like I have some big secret to hide. But I do feel like I've been not completely honest with who I am and how I like to live... The being that is inside of me.
Which, I'm sure once I open up, will just generate more love, compassion, empathy, strength, and all of the things that I want to be within myself and that I want to ripple out and affect others with in life.
So. With that being said... It's time to show the people the real me.
And maybe it's time for you to do the same.
I <3 you.