Okay. I am deciding whether I want (and am ready) to leave New Life early and move on to new things/a new life ;)
Today especially, I am feeling ready to leave & move on to new things. Plus, I am/just started my period today, so I think that I trust my intuition and instincts especially right now. I am feeling scared though; I am feeling like this is a hard choice to make. On one end, I stay at New Life for around 2 weeks more… I save money/don't spend any extra, I'll wake up around 5:40 - 6 Am -almost- every morning, do the typical routine: morning activity, silent breakfast, community meeting, working mediation - usually outside for around 2 hours- lunch and happy & fun conversation with people in this community, some chill/sleep.refresh/socialize time, afternoon working meditation/dinner prep/workshop, Time to relax and/or go to class like yoga or something, sometimes dinner prep, then community dinner, then optional activities, like the women's circle, Pema Chodron talk, etc. around 7:30. Then socialize in the dining hall / go to room + chill / bring comp. to dining hall and/or then go to sleep. Ugh. I felt stressful emotion writing down some of that schedule, like a frustration for too many activities or something like it. Oh- and the typical food choices I get: oatmeal, muesli, coco milk + SCRUMPTIOUS fruit for breakfast, cooked meal + salad for lunch, and a cooked meal + salad for dinner. And occasionally smoothies/coconuts from Mama's.
I think that one main thing I feel de-attracted from is the current social aspect @ New Life; my closest meaningful friends have gone away, the people here aren't seemingly wanting to fully heal, recover, + GROW + DREAM in the way that I am, which pushes me away - Mainly because I don't like that atmosphere - no motivation or dreams being worked towards beyond here, a lot of smoking which I was not expecting, and not a strong belief of themselves, their potential power, and the wonder of the universe + power of the present moment. There is no passion from many residents and people living here - and that's what I want. Oh, but partly, I do think that I am deciding right now that I want to leave earlier based on a fear of the unknown here, people getting to know me personally, and also possibly getting too trusting & comfortable - which often, I start feeling as if I need to leave, and that it is urgent. So I don't know yet, whether it's better for me to leave early, or if I want to believe that it is. I do know one main hint - I am volunteering & working more than I am exploring inner me. The focus here is more on living sustainably, functionally, and mindfully - which means a large piece of it is pitching in around this place, as well as socializing. Okay-- I feel fear again rising. I am going to meditate on the question + answer(s) to what my next step(s) will be. First, I want to write down a quote that Sjana posted & I totally agree with: "I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." - Robert A. Heinlein '(AND that my behaviors have associated consequences and rewards).'
Okay, Kacie. Again, I love you. :) And I hope to let you know/suggest----
ALSO: I was just thinking how much I appreciate Sofie-- She's leaving Tuesday, I really appreciate Lily and Thomas - they're leaving Monday. I also greatly appreciate Tom- he's leaving Friday + not returning before I leave. I also appreciate Marisha, the newer girl from Thailand, Karen, the girl from Belgium, Jeremy, etc… Yay! They're staying. And as I wrote down their names, I realized that it seems many of them/I have grown apart or aren't too close. I think that all this may be a sign to get going. OK. I'll talk to ya soon. Love ya, scardey cat. ;)