I think I have a fear of feeling trapped. Which is interesting, because I seem to have a fascination with it as well. But when I start to feel fearfully trapped, I close off. I might smile and pretend, but I'd feel bad inside; I might also just shut down and not be able to function normally. I just am thinking about getting away. And I think that when I go to live in new places, I go to point out all of the bad things - Maybe so I'll have enough of a reason to leave, to say what was bad about it, and let my ego off clean and say that it was not because of my fear of entrapment. I've noticed myself doing parts of this at New Life. I haven't fully been open or appreciated a ton of what this place has + that is helpful for me. This is a lot like what I wanted & what I have been looking for, so the face that I am searching my brain for reasons to leave- especially because it's coming slowly to the end of my time here - partially shows that I have been acting on my fear of feeling trapped with no way to leave.
Well, I really appreciate this insightfulness and my honesty in this journal entry. I think that this is a big part of my feelings of negativity, so I'm thankful that I pinpointed it and wrote it out. This is such a big + important part in my life currently and how I am deciding to live it. And when I think about the future, if I did not conquer/transform/understand my fear of feeling trapped, I don't think that I could feel satisfied with anything. So, I think this is a major part of what I will be starting to work with; this, partly coupled with my anxious + negative feelings around expectations I put on myself and that I feel other people are putting on me as well. These are two of the things that, if I can work with, understand, and transform them with compassion and loving-kindness, my world will so positively change + lovingly transform.
Thank you, Kacie, for this journal entry. I appreciate it so much! I appreciate you being open + available to understand your fears, thoughts, and anxieties, to transform this world that I live in, and then everyone else does also, to be truthful, compassionate, empowering, and present. :) <3
I <3 you, Kacie Ann Ouimet. <3