I think that one thing I've noticed I do is: When I feel insecure/the "need" to try and "fit in," I kind of have a backlash in which I'm more… direct and angled to people? Like tell them what to do and kind of observe them/assume they will value my suggestion, or that if I know something, that I 'have the right' to tell others to do something. Kind of like picking at someone else, probably because I'd just been picking at myself.
Also, I don't want to judge anyone anymore. I want to be kind and gentle and try to connect with everyone that I come into contact with. And not judge them by their outer appearance. I guess I'm especially thinking of [Meg].. She has tattoos, somewhat more of a hard-set face, doesn't smile as often; yet, the conversation that I have had with her was so good. She is kind, and caring, and probably loves and cares---- Okay see now I'm getting into that weird observant thing. Hahaha. I guess my main thing is that I just want to talk and connect with her much more. Because I think she's an interesting & unique person that I may love to get to know. So, one of my main goals for tomorrow is: connect fully honestly with someone that I don't think that I have on a more personal level.
Okay, I am actually rubbing my eyes I am so sleepy. I love you, I will talk later, Good night.
<3 Kacie - 9:30 Pm--latest I've stayed up so far!
Don't judge. Simply love + connect. <3 <3
I am here to grow. It's okay if I miss up. I think where the biggest negative thoughts stem from right now is fear of trust. I feel afraid to let someone entirely in. Heck, I don't even specifically label my fears in my own diary. I think mostly, it's stemming from the thoughts: If I can't accept me for me, and I think that my struggles are silly and awkward to even me, then how can I open up and talk about these things to anyone else? Normally, I think that I am mostly loving to myself. But with this circumstance, I always just wave it off and dismiss it, meeting my fears, and ultimately myself, silly and conceited. I have everything I could want to be grateful for. I think that a big part of my genetics is to seek challenge, and when I can't see one in front of me, I think that might be when I begin to "challenge" myself, but in a grueling, negative, and unproductive way. I strain and stress over thoughts and a fear of no acceptance; I worry that I'm not being the truest version of myself, but then believe somehow that, since I'd have to go past these barriers of fear and 'escape' to be myself, that the entire galaxy is going to end as I'm working past those fear barriers. And then I go deep back into the mentality of no love; I can't trust anyone to accept me as I am. At least, that's what I seem to think. And I think since I still haven't delved deeply into it or shared my insides with someone else, it just gets deeper and darker, and the hole I'm building in the ground for myself keeps growing.
So, now is the next step, and I think that this is why I've been feeling fearful today and yesterday: because I know that being here, if I truly do let go, people will get to know the real me. Which is actually amazing, but that fear starts rising -- possibly because it understands that once I open up my true identity, it will dissipate. And from what I've seen, it's afraid to disappear. Fear is afraid. Wow. Just now, in writing this, I've realized how important love is through everything. It will show fear that it has nothing to feel afraid of. It will show fear the amazement of love, and that it doesn't have to disappear - it just has got to let go to transform into something quite extraordinarily amazing. I think that I see why this journal entry needed to be written: so I could understand the power of love. And that when you have love, even fear transforms into something useful -- most likely to help others experience the same.
Openness, love, & faith. <3