Hello. :) This is actually my first time posting/typing directly onto a page rather than in my notebook first. I want to try it out and see how it works out for me with an open mind and without any expectations. It feels hard to type right now though, I keep making typos!! It's funny how I keep trying to take those little things as a "sign" to stop doing what I'm doing.
Today, I finally went to Spirit Rock Meditation Center. I've seen this place randomly for I feel like a few years now… Not ever really seriously looking at it until a few months ago after getting back from Thailand and wanting to find a similar place like what I'd found there. So I found at first some job openings there, and I just felt the Universe calling me near it. And so this weekend, when I felt the whispered "spirit rock" again, I tried opening up the website and seeing what events were coming up; low and behold: there was one for Sunday, a halfway event, an Introduction to Mindfulness. And it turns out that there also was a last-minute volunteer position opened up from someone else's cancellation, and so there was an open space available for me to volunteer and attend the event for free. I felt hesitant but knew that if the Universe asked me to do it, it was for the right reasons, so I learned to trust that… And I signed up! And then confirmed my volunteer spot. and confirmed again. And maybe even confirmed a third time after entering in a volunteer application… So I felt constantly tried with this one, since I had to keep continuously asking myself and answering "YES!"
So I did. I felt that kind of hesitation I felt before entering New Life in Thailand and before arriving to Wat Suan Mokkh… That, "okay, I know that my intention for being here is great and I am trusting in what will come of this, but I still don't know what to really expect or anything…"
I felt stressed out this morning. I got sick and was feeling really nervous. And I kept telling signs to love myself. I even ended up sort of losing my keys and locking myself in the house/ outside of my room downstairs, and I really felt a presence of my soul, God, something beyond my "self" that was telling me that I need to get things straightened out before I could ever leave. So I talked with God, asking, what do you want of me? And the answer, I knew already: love myself. So I then talked with myself. I told myself that I will always be with me, and I will always love me, no matter what. And, once I had fully felt complete with the conversation, I asked "God" or "the Universe" (don't have a name yet) what to do next. And once I finally listened, I ended up finding my keys, somehow, in a pocket of my stretch pants that I never ever use and that I wasn't feeling before when I wiped my hands around all of the pockets on my pants, searching for my keys. I really felt a relationship with someone else that wants me to see and accept the love that is all around and within myself.
So that is what I am continuing to decide to be available and present with now: love of myself. It's a challenge often, but the payback is so rewarding and transformative. I noticed in the last meditation today at the workshop that I connected with it. And I think being in that room with so many others mediating also is amazing, I forgot about that. It's incredible being surrounded by that kind of presence. Some experienced mediators were in that space I could feel it, and being surrounded with others that are like-minded in intention is incredibly inspirational and helps each person connect more within.
This class, and Howard Conh, helped to teach me that this present moment is all we'll ever have, and is all we have now. And he really really really helped me to connect presently and back to this space of the present moment. It's amazing. I am feeling so incredibly thankful and peaceful/ inspired with the web I have started spinning/ the ripple I have now started in effect :)
Thank you to everyone who was there, and Kaylee (sp?) I feel so blessed to have gotten to know you this night. <3 Looking forward with what's to come, also enjoying what is here, now.
Love you; always here with you, regardless.
<3 you. <3 Kacie