& compassion. that's my newest goal in life, to first show compassion to myself and then consequently to others. To be free from indifference and instead choosing to see things clearly and opening my mind and heart to the real things happening.
It's so important for me to be open and authentic and honest, and also is one of the most scary things, I feel, to do.
But that's the value of consistency and what I choose to value and focus on...
And right now, I am feeling a change within me and starting tofeelroght tow rite anfsjarecompassipj throughout ikmyowkwaujusnharingmy pekexperirncdsandhppefuullyiltiatelythenezperiexe of all human souls...
^^ HAHAHAH okay I am leaving that because it just goes to show how tired I I feel and that I didn't even notice what I typed hahah. Okay good night.
I <3 you.
great day of exploring today. And then I waited too long to write this blog post and I am falling fast to sleep. Hahaha. <3 Good night.
I love you. :)
there is so much beauty in life. how and why is it that we are so cluttered with information in our heads that we so often miss the life and extraordinary beauty right in front of us, in each and every moment?
i am trying more and more to take in this present moment. I have felt a fear to do so, but am finally letting myself. And it's felt amazing. To sit, and accept and let it all in. i feel like i can finally breathe again. and see life more clearly.
and see the amazing fact is that life doesn't have to be hard. not to say that there aren't difficulties and challenges, but that I don't have to try and make things difficult for myself. A question came up in my head today, and it really got me thinking about my life and how I choose to live it:
Am I focusing on the solution, or the problems?
Simple question. But how it's answered reflects back how my life is going. Because if I am focusing on the problems, that's all that I will ever attend to and the wall will always be there between where I want to get to and where I am right now.
But if, instead, I am focusing on the solution, this is what I will see. I will work towards what I want and succeed. Because my energy is going towards feeding the solution, and not the "buts" and "what ifs" which would halt me in my progress. Big difference, and signifies which direction my dreams take. And as soon as I switch my mindset, the outcome will change. So making sure that I am aware of my thoughts is one of the most critical pieces of life and doing my dreams.
Okay, I love you and good night.
today is Thursday; tonight's class at the Meisner Studio seemed to form a theme of truth. And that we can always grow, always become more, and the process of learning never ends; we can come so far from where we have been, and we always have more to go, if we choose to take it on with a healthy mindset.
How important it is to have a healthy attitude towards life. How critical it is that we take care of our bodies, minds, and souls so that we can be living in the best way possible. How important it is to stay consistent with practice, and with whatever we want to learn, the things we strive to do with our lives. How important it is to continue working on these things with a consistent dedication, and love to that.
So this is really what I'm learning through class: the opportunity to grow when we are truthful and open. And to trust ourselves and let out our inner roar. :)
Let her out!
1. being able to surround myself with people who care and love.
2. the wind, rain, stormy weather today
3. taking my little cousin out on a little ice cream date :)
4. funny things, being silly with her
5. being able to drive to places far away
6. choosing love.
this question has been circulating in my head for a long time. I want to spend my life doing all that I possibly can and being all that I can be.
But where do I draw the line in the sand of obsessing on this? I know that I have been enveloped by this idea of "right way" lately, always wanting to do and choose what's right and best, my head hurts though because I end up getting consumed by the thought of "what if I don't do the right thing?" And the fear of the amazing things that won't end up lining up correctly if I don't take the right steps. Worrying that my whole life path will fall apart if I don't end up long the right thing at the right time. No this leads to me never feeling settled and always searching for what's best. And never really living in the moment because I am always thinking about and planning what's next. What an exhausting way to live. And I chose this...
The irony being that what is really truly best for me is to actually connect with this present moment. For me to be right here and right now. <3
Falling asleep. Good night.
My hair is still showered in sand from going all the way underwater in the freezing cold Santa Cruz beach/ocean today. I'm so glad I swam all the way in. The temperature was so uncomfortable at first but I stayed in (the second or third time haha) and MY HEART IS HAPPY because I did. To submerge in the ocean- nothing quite like it.
Gnight. I <3 you.
i think change is a beautiful, remarkable thing. It stretches us and helps us grow in ways that we would not probably grow otherwise. change gets us out of our preconceived ideas of life and our zones of comfort. It wobbles the ground underneath our feet until we are balancing and finally look around to see our surroundings. It helps us stay aware of our lives.
I have had a lot of change within this past year especially of my own life. I've had a job at a frozen yogurt shop, quit that job, moved houses to my aunt's in the Bay Area, moved back home, stated again at the frozen yogurt shop, went on a solo trip to Thailand, changed places and people there a few times- always back on the road on my "own," then back to the US and home, then to my aunt's house again, then to San Francisco, and now, back at my aunt's house for about 3 weeks... And it's become increasingly clear to me how important persistence is through everything; the persistence to keep doing a daily meditation practice, yoga daily (not that I've been keeping up with either of these...), and the importance of staying persistence with my class and giving it my best, 100%. Recently, I've found a to-do list after having a conversation with the universe when I asked what I should do now to get to where I want to be... And two of the main things said were writing a blog post daily & kundalini mediation/yoga. And staying committed to those things in any and every situation has helped me. And has also encouraged that commitment in me to come out in other areas of my life, such as a commitment that's much stronger and more valuable with my Meisner class.
And through persistence, change, in the best light, will happen and is happening right now. It might be too small to see now-but a stack of papers is made by layering one thin piece of paper at a time..
Change can happen quickly, or it can happen slowly over time. Staying commited and persistent always is what keeps us on the right path and will guarantee a change in life.
So. Tired. Want to write more but falling asleep. I <3 you.
Good night. Zzzzzz
now is the time to open up my heart, my soul, my comfort, and my pride... 100% transparency... And coming back to me. Loving myself completely as I am. And in turn loving everyone else completely as they are.
Letting go of any ideas I have or expectations I have been holding onto of myself. Time to turn the tables and let go of what's not helping me or inspiring me... Time to fully let go. And learn from that. And live completely.
:) good night...
okay, so wow… I almost didn't write anything for today!! I got so caught up with things.
Today, I packed up all of my stuff from San Francisco and moved over to my aunt's house on the other side of the Bay Bridge… I'll be living here most likely for the next 3 weeks.
This is another change that I am looking forward to and excited for- and also a bit apprehensive and unsure about. I have mixed feelings because, on one end, I have so many amazing projects and goals in life right now that I am actively pursuing… My acting classes with the Meisner Technique, a film project with a spiritual teacher/awaken-er hahah, another possible project with another awesome spiritual teacher/awaken-er, and also the space and time to take the opportunity to eat healthy, exercise and get outside regularly, and also be around family and loved ones. :)
On the other side, I am feeling nervous because I fear going back into my head, back into old routines and harmful patterns and ways of living… I don't know how to get around that.
But I will continuously practice all of the things that I know are good for me, and I know that these will continue shaping me, even when I feel nervous / unsure. At least I will continue building up a stronger and more healthy lifestyle. And I am so excited for the projects that are soon to begin. And to have a full kitchen to be using to prep food and a full house to live in. :) It's great in San Francisco, yet still feels so separate. Which I love- my room, bathroom, and fridge/microwave being downstairs and having that beneficial space- but also distances me from the family that I live with, and it's strange for me wanting to use the blender or kitchen since that means walking up the stairs outside. It just doesn't feel whole- it feels in parts. Which is why I feel that this time back at my aunt's will feel more wholesome. Less separateness and distance, but also more togetherness (in a good way) and more flexibility with what I do with my days. :)
I really want to use these three weeks to my best. I want to grow a healthy diet and lifestyle, and really see what I can do and how I can grow when I set myself free to explore and create. I want to just let go and let it be and see where life takes me. And have fun while doing so. :) I'll set myself free.
And what a perfect day/weekend to start this on: Valentine's! As my goal during my time here is to love myself and practice love at all times, as I said in yesterday's post. :) So we'll see how it goes.
Good night. i love you.
I've got a paradox within my life; I dislike the mundane and routine-- yet I get so overwhelmed when things change. My mind seems comfortable with consistency and incredibly disrupted when they changes; however, I also find that I grow the most when change is occurring. It makes sense, I'm sure that most people can agree that outer change strengthens our inner world, as long as we allow it to.
But for me, sometimes, it's overwhelming in my head.
Thinking of this brings me back to when I was in Thailand; I had just taken two overnight trains to get back to the foundation that I started at, and to stay there for my last night before returning home. But with so much change in my outer experience, my mind was still swirling around and confused at where I was. Within those past three days, I had been on an island, traveling to the main area of that island, departed and said goodbyes with a dear friend, on a boat, back to the mainland, on an overnight bus, in Bangkok at 4:30 AM (that's a whole other story in itself…), spending hours in a 24-hour cafe, in a hostel, taking another overnight train, and then in northern Thailand and back at the foundation I had started at. All of this was a whirlwind for my mind, and it took a long time to catch up. I was back in a bed and normal room at the foundation, and I had a dream that night that I had lost my luggage at the train station, I couldn't find a place to stay for the night, and everything was chaotic and confusing and I didn't know what to do. I woke up so confused and actually did not know where I was; it took me a good three minutes of wakefulness to finally recall everything that had happened within the past few days and where I was now.
It's like I have pieces of my identity left in each place that I go, and my mind sluggishly pulls them back up whenever I leave. This is why I fear change a lot of times; because when things change, I don't know "who I am" anymore. I get anxious, bug-eyed, consumed with ideas in my mind and worries.
And I notice it happening every time something switches in my life. Something that challenges what I accept as ordinary.
This happened today for sure. Today is my last full & nannying day for three weeks in San Francisco. The mother's mother-in-law is coming to stay with them during this time, and so she will be staying in my room, they will not need me, and I'll be moving back in with my aunt for a bit. Which I am excited for because it will give me a chance to reassess, have more free time and freedom through that, and also spend more time with my family.
However, whenever things change, I get anxiety over those last moment that I am in the older place. And that was this today. I was scheduled to be helping out from 12-8:30, which is different from a usual day of babysitting the kids. This, mixed with the thought that my "identity" or perceived normal will be changing tomorrow, makes me feel like the ground under my feet is unstable. And so I was once again out of it and bizarre. And I got the feeling like I couldn't escape. Not that there was anything wrong or bad in the situation. But just the thought that this is what I was doing and that there was no way out of it was what killed me inside. Again, illogical and irrational. Yet it happens, and consumes me. And with my mind-body connection, the stress that I was causing to myself reflected in my physical health. I started to get a fever, couldn't keep my eyes open, my stomach began to feel sick, and just that thought "i can't escape" would be churning in my head. I ended up telling her that I wasn't feeling well and got off early. Which I still can't decide if this was a good decision on my part or not. Because I don't want to be ruled by my fears and anxieties, yet I also want to care for my body when it wants a break.
But I realized something: I actually wanted to be sick. I wanted to be sick enough so that I could leave. I wanted this not to happen, I wanted to "escape." And so I think my body was helping me fulfill that wish…. But I get so caught up in that that my mind just consumes me and all I can see is this fear and all of these ideas of who I am and my identity if I choose to do things differently and fear of what's to come… It overwhelms me. And I feel afraid to make any decisions when I am in that state. It frustrates me as well. And I feel afraid that this has been happening more now; I fear that I may be slowly filtering back to that way of living-- with separateness and living from fear and isolation.
I feel that I healed so much when I went to Thailand; I fear that now, with again a scheduled life and not so much spontaneity, I might fall back into that place… I don't want to. I have to overcome the fears in my mind. Because I fear that the fears won't go away. But that's just fear toppled on fear.
I read a really great Facebook post from Elizabeth Gilbert yesterday. It talked about loving all of the parts of ourself- especially the sides of us that we run away from and try to shelter and hide from others and ourselves. To be able to acknowledge them with love is how they can feel accepted, and they will no longer have any power over us. We have got to stop seeing them as bad and hating them- for then we are only doubling the hatred in our hearts.
Like MLK Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
Here's the longer quote, which I just found and love…
The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
It's not what happens to us in life, but how we react to things. I'm going to try and react, always, with love. Love amidst anything. And I'll see what will come of that.
I <3 you,