I've noticed something lately.. especially since being in Thailand, I've realized it much more… And that is my tendency to put on a different face when I am with someone else. And it's something I think is so hard to disrupt, which can feel so frustrating to me… I just want to be myself with others, and yet I feel such a difficult time doing so, mostly coming from fear…
I realized on my drive home from class today what it really is, or at least a part of it: a fear of being myself and letting my inner light shine, and being seen for myself. What is it? and Why? I think that it stems from down stepping myself for so much of my life so that others could have the limelight- a fear of my own that others will feel that I am upstaging them… But this is holding me back. And I have such an instinctive fear now of going over that boundary and realizing my full potential, while I am around other people.
I can do it perfectly fine in the car, whenever I am by myself: singing, dancing fully and freely, bawling my eyes out as I listen to a song or rehearse a line for class… Yet when it comes time to be in class and prepare on these deeply emotional scenes, my tendency is to cover up. I could start crying and then stop it for fear of my classmates seeing that I am in tears and connecting with my work. I seem to have a fear of being "great." A fear of being watched and noticed for my true self, my essence.
And how fitting that our current added step in the Meisner Technique is called the "essence exercise." I just feel so afraid to step out of the zone that I have so often put myself in- as being silly, sweet, funny, but also not loud or complete. This quote really speaks to me when I get caught up in things like this: "and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same…" it's time for me to be authentic and 100% honest with every part of my life- not just when I am alone or with people that I feel comfortable being myself around. If I really want to grow and learn, I need to be me in every moment. I need to be authentic, now. :)
And with that being said, I could fall asleep right now while typing this.
Good night. I <3 you.