I have been struggling through my Meisner acting classes. I feel this frustration that every time, I am the one coming through the exercises. Which is the point of the Meisner technique-authenticity- but I want to be the other parts of myself and humanity. I realized today why I haven't been able to: because in my own life, I am always searching for the "right" way, path, of reacting to situations. I am often aware of what I am doing and the reactions that I have. That is me; that is authentic. However, in class, the purpose is to act authentically, moment to moment, from our gut. I'm understanding now that these things are sort of opposite; because mindfulness is an awareness to what's happening in my mind and an overseer position-- but, in the Meisner Technique, our gut reactions are right in this moment, no apologies or politeness. They just ARE. Whether this reaction is wanting to hit or hug someone. Just going with the flow of the moment in the moment.
So, I am going to take out my mindfulness and awareness from the practice next time; I am going to remove my personal tendency to want to make the situation go a certain way, or think through the best way to do things. I will simply work from my gut, no concerns for my behavior or mistakes, or apologies for authenticity.
Today reflected the two opposites… Working from my natural instinct and working from my mindful nature. As my partner came into the room, angry and confrontational, I was upset as well and understood his anger; I took him in and we fought for a few exchanges, yelling in each other's faces. It felt good to let it out. But then, I realized that I could help make him silent… It sounds awful I feel like. But I knew that I could manipulate him into being quiet to get my urgent activity done, which was writing names and addresses on envelopes… Which I felt needed to get done- it was urgent and important. So I made sure that I addressed and acknowledged my partner as much as needed. And I actually manipulated him into sitting down in silence. And my classmates said that it was like a balloon that was ready to pop, that I slowly deflated. I let out all of the anger that was inside him until he was relaxed and sitting down, and actually smiling. It was strange, how quickly that I changed the vibe… And I think that it might have weirded my teacher out. And it was strange because I felt like I had succeeded in some way, but also missed the object of the technique?? I don't know. Because I did want to get what I was doing done, and so using my abilities to their best advantage and getting Estefanos to not interrupt me and to have freedom to finish my activity was my goal-- and I succeeded in that.. But did I fail to take him in fully? This is where it gets so confusing, between authenticity and myself…. I think that what I missed was taking my partner in completely. I was so focused on my own activity that I dis-involved with what he had going on, and the entire other part of my "story." I think that's what I missed: taking in my partner and the entire situation completely. And working from my gut, rather than thinking with my head. Okay. :) :)
I think this is what I am supposed to be doing all along. I just finally really made the distinction between myself and my gut instincts. It's time to trust my inner intuition 100%. Without thinking. and see where that all takes me. :)
And with that being said, I am so tired… It's almost tomorrow as the time creeps forward at 11:53 pm. :) oops, okay I just wrote some more up top and now it IS tomorrow ;) 12:01 am. Good morning?
:) good night from me.