So, today starts my daily writing. I asked myself what I really want, and one of those things was to write. And so I asked how to get started; the answer I found within was to start blogging; so HERE IT IS. :) I am going to write a post a day. Whether it is absolute crap, if I have some sort of revelation/epiphany, or it is so funny that I giggle while writing it. I have no idea—no expectations. And isn’t that when the best things seem to come in life?
I have noticed recently the effect that truth, vulnerability, and acceptance has on life. It’s incredible.
Within these past few months, I have felt a distance and disconnection between life, others, and myself. I feel afraid to connect fully with life. I know, subconsciously, that if I do accept this present moment and my life, I will feel amazing, empowered, and authentic—and in that start living life honestly. I feel that a part of me is afraid of this. I have been choosing to stay within the story of life in my mind--this idea that life has to have something "hard" in order for the rest of life to feel great--even though I know that it is not helping me and often does the opposite. I have had consequences of believing life to be this way and not fully accepting reality: two car accidents, two parking tickets, and another near-accident. And my reaction to these events is always being hard on myself for being so forgetful and careless, and eventually coming back around and realizing the importance of being true to myself. The irony of this situation is how much better off my life will be and I'll feel if I do connect and accept things. It just always feels so hard and scary to do that. And I've often chosen to reside in the stable comfort of my mind, even if it isn’t ideal and making things worse.
Where does this belief/mindset begin from? This belief that I need suffering in order to get happiness. I think that a lot of people on this planet have this belief. Especially those that have lived through hard situations in life: the Great Depression, wars and conflicts, poverty, an overall sense of wrong being done to them… These can all leave a person feeling like life is out to get them, and that they have to build up a strong guard and fence in order to feel safe and comfortable in life.
So, I understand why so many people have this mindset. The irony is that, when everyone has a mindset that 'life is hard, we have to be tough in order to survive, and that we can't let our guard down,' it means that we are also the people that we are afraid of. We have all built ourselves up these barriers to shelter us from others that are doing the same thing. It's a fear of fear, like soft turtles hidden by a hard and guarded shell. We need to let our light shine and come out of our shells in order to see that we are all just people that want the same things: love, happiness, unity… and our vulnerability, what's been so often seen as our weakness, is actually our connection with others. We are all the same. So so so unique, yet under all of the jagged and furry exterior we are all the same. But to see this, we have to get over the fear of ourselves--I mean, we have boxed ourselves in and become so sheltered that we can no longer recognize ourselves. Do you see the child inside of you still? Or do you look in the mirror and see someone else? It is not your fault. We've (most of us) been conditioned to hide our vulnerability and our flaws so that others cant pick them apart. It was done through fear, from a sense of love that was misguided. The great part is that our inner light is always in us, and we can always connect back with it. It takes the willingness to go under the protective shell and gently come back into contact with the glow of iridescent light that is inside of all of us. It takes accepting and moving past the fear that we are wrong, and seeing that people all around us are beautiful and like us: wanting love, peace, happiness, and connection—all the same. Same, but different. :)
When I accept the fear that comes regardless and ground myself in this present moment, my life ends up being incredibly more amazing I connect with myself, and others, in a completely different way. I open up myself and in turn get the beautiful realness of other people: no walls, no constraints; all trust and honesty.
So, my advice to myself from this is to keep going into those deep places that I know are the right thing, even if it feels hard. And to continue to give myself unlimited compassion and love. I can see first-hand the effect that coming into myself has immediately on others. Being around kids so often, I can see the effects of my attitude(s) on theirs; I will see their emotions: happiness, sadness, screaming their heads off like insane madmen, the cutest most charming laughs, etc. And when I self-assess, I can always see that it's a reaction to my own mood and well-being. So the beautiful thing about being more positive towards myself is that it also creates a positive ripple on the outside; therefore making it even easier to stay in this positive state of being.
And so… This concludes my first entry… Do I feel satisfied? not fully. I can feel where things don't fit quite right and places for adjustments… But hey, it's done. And that's what I want: to write with a positive attitude. I am happy to have finished my first post.The key to doing anything is to start, no matter where the starting line is. And to keep going, no "finish line" in sight. :)
And with that, time for some zzzzzzzzz's.
<3 Kacie ; a.k.a "Tee-Cee"