The question of now

Today, I've had a lot of thought around the question of time, and of now. 

Lately, I have lived so much of my life waiting for the next moment; whether that be because I'm excited for it to come, or because I am dreading it. 

And it leads to not focusing on the most important things that I have to do, unpreparedness, and an overall sense of distance from the world. 


Without trying to, I have actually started counting in my head. Just counting up. "7, 8, 9, 10, 11…" And it will keep going until I realized that I'm doing it, and think "whoa, i'm counting randomly in my head…" and then, unless I change my attitude, I will drone off and it will start up again. "70, 71, 72, 73…" and it's resembling, I think, how I have been living life… Always counting the days, always thinking about what's to come, what's next… I think it ultimately comes from a feeling of wanting to be prepared for what's to come… But in that I leave the present moment behind. I feel a fear to connect with what is now… Because what if I love it, and get lost in it, and am not ready for whatever comes next? 

NO! I need to change this way of thought now. and instead, if i am thinking "what if" towards anything, to have it be this: what if i am not in the present moment and end up missing what is NOW?
 
For example, my sister is staying with me in San Francisco tonight. And I was so so excited for this day to come. It was a feeling of wanting the other things to be over, or being happy to have something to look forward to beyond that present moment. And, now that it is here, I am enjoying myself, but there is also a feeling of restlessness, and wanting to come to the next moment. And what a silly way to live life… 

I have come to realize this, today especially, because there are so many positive things lining up in my life. And there is no point dwelling in the future or wanting it to come faster, because there is so much to enjoy right now and so much to enjoy in what's to come. But, regardless of what is coming, I need to be right here, right now. Accept it fully. And live from that. 

And so I leave this post to go and chill with my little sis. :) We've had a great day exploring and NOW a resting time to watch some funny videos online and eat snacks, chilling like sisters do :) 

Love, <3 

Tee-cee